APIs have become ubiquitous in the modern day and age. From web services to clocks everything gets connected through APIs. This growth in interest for APIs has led to an increased focus on designing APIs in such a way that they are easy to consume, easy to maintain, and offer a pleasant developer experience. But what if you don't want your API to be easy and pleasant? This talk is a humorous take at designing a "nightmare API" that offers the worst possible developer experience. Take what you see in this talk - do the opposite - and your developers will thank you for it.